My Grandmother

December 31st 1925 - as the year came to an end, it also heralded the arrival of a girl in the Subnivis family. A girl who would become a woman in no time. She was my grandmother. Born 88 years ago, she breathed her last on January 14th 2014. This is my tribute to her.

Padmavathi, as she was named, was my father's mother. At the tender age of 9, she was married to my grandfather in a place called Yanam, where these child marriages were then performed. According to her own account, she was so young that she was practically asleep while the ceremony was going on. A few years later, she was sent to live with her husband and her mother-in-law. By the age of 15, she had given birth to her first child - my father. There was a quick succession of children - just one short of making a cricket team. 

Padmavathi was short - she was not even five feet tall, whereas my grandfather was nearer to six feet. They were an Amitabh-Jaya  couple. She was beautiful and regal with a flawless complexion. In fact, when she stepped out of her maternal house in Chatrapur, she was called 'Queen Victoria'. But life in Vizianagaram, my grandfather's ancestral place, was not easy. A difficult-to-please mother-in-law, who doted on her only son, found every opportunity to torment my grandmother. Life was full of hardships - looking after a household of so many people was not a cakewalk. Apart from the financial troubles, the short temper of my grandfather was also a tough task to handle. But my grandmother never lost her cool. 

In fact, everyone who knew her can vouch for one thing - she never ever lost her temper or her patience. Even when caught between two quarreling family members, she never took sides or blamed anyone. 

She loved children and was always concerned about them. While my grandfather would always try to annoy or tease us, she would come to our rescue. She was so patient and loving towards her children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. I remember how patiently she would go after one of my youngest cousin brothers to feed him as he ran around the house. Mind you, she was almost 80 years old then. Can anyone of us be that caring and loving, I wonder? I was witness to the extent she would be concerned about children, when in her last days on the bed, even in semi-consciousness, she enquired if I had fed my sons or given them milk or put them to sleep. Can there be anyone like you, Maamma?

Though she looked petite and small ( we often referred to her as 'bujji maamma' meaning cute grandmother), she was mentally a very strong person. When I was expecting my second child, she would often recount to me how she would be up and about as soon as she had delivered a baby, because she was the woman of the house and had to take care of the household. 

In her 88 years of life, my grandmother probably had seen everything - she saw how times had changed, how lifestyles had changed and more often than not, she also saw how people changed. But she always remained stable and balanced. She did not remain attached to the past, but showed an amazing ability to adapt to changing times and attitudes. Wherever she was, she moulded and adapted herself to that household and that particular lifestyle. She never imposed on anyone. Probably that was why everyone loved her.

One cannot even imagine the situations and conditions that my grandmother had to pass through. She faced innumerable tough situations. But every time, she was unfazed. The reason was her immense and unconditional faith in her Guru, Sri Abhirama Paramahamsa. No matter what her problem was, small or big, she confided her troubles only to her Lord and lo, He never ever failed to respond to her. There are stories, legends even, narrated in our family of how her Guru had come to her rescue many a time. In one instance, she even saved my uncle, who was a child then, from drowning. The remarkable thing was when she jumped into the pond, she was pregnant and moreover, had no idea how to swim. She simply took the name of her Guru and plunged into the water. Such was her faith in the Lord that two days before she passed away, she called my mother to her bedside and told her categorically that her soul had already reached her Guru. Even when she was on her deathbed, she kept on praying and remembering her Lord. In her final moments, though she had not had a single morsel of food, she summoned up energy to sing a bhajan along with my mother. I can never forget that visual because it taught me a valuable lesson - the importance of faith and belief in God.

In her daily interactions with anyone, she was as loving and affectionate as she was with her family. When she passed away, even the woman who brought flowers everyday, broke down on hearing the news. There was indeed no one who was untouched by her loving personality.

In her last few years, when she was staying in my father's house, she meticulously followed a routine, never depending on anyone. She always sat in the first room of our house, reading her books and chanting the name of her Guru. Yet, she always took an interest in everyone and was keen in helping out in the household chores. Whenever we sat with her, she was game for a conversation and amused us with her interesting anecdotes. 

Now, when I go back, she will not be there. But I will always feel her presence in my house and remember her the way she used to sit in the first room reading her books. Though tears keep coming to my eyes when I think of her, I am happy that she left this world the way she intended to - surrounded by her loved ones, yet only with the thought of the Lord in her mind and the name of her Guru on her lips. A true example of detachment within attachment!

Maamma - you were a great daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, grandmother-in-law and great-grandmother.You played every role to perfection.  You saw so many generations come and go. You have left us with so many lessons to learn from your life. Maamma - I will always love you and cherish every moment that I spent with you. I will miss you terribly, my dearest Maamma!

A Merry Christmas!

December is a month which probably some of us like most in a year for various reasons - holidays, the end of a year with the promise of a new beginning, cold winter mornings which are always welcome in a hot country like India, and occasions like Christmas and New Year's Eve which see revelry and celebration.

This year's Christmas was special for me because I decided to initiate a small ritual of gift-giving for my sons. My elder son, thanks to the cartoon shows he watches, was fascinated with the concept of X-mas trees and gifts given by the mythical Santa Claus. A month before the festival, he eagerly counted down the days hoping for a Christmas gift. I too jumped on to the bandwagon by constantly harping on the "fact" that Santa Claus would only give him and his brother a gift if they behaved well and were good boys. Naturally, my elder one took it to heart and began to listen to me. He also reminded his younger brother (who is unfortunately too young to be manipulated) that he better be nice if he wanted a gift. Funnily, my son has never showed as much enthusiasm for any of our festivals. (Diwali - he's afraid of the bombs, Holi - not game

enough to play with colours , all other festivals where food is the most important thing - not a foodie). 

To give him a true feel of the festival spirit, I decided to buy an X-mas tree and surprise him with a gift on Christmas morning. I bought my two sons a couple of presents and then stopped on my way at a shop which was selling Christmas trees of various sizes. Seeing a really cute and small one, I stepped inside and quickly bought it along with a star and some Christmas decorations. As the salesperson was packing my purchases, I suddenly realized that I, a Hindu, was buying a symbol of a Christian festival from a shop that was owned and managed by a Muslim! I was amazed at this simple but wonderfully warm feeling of being in a community of love, respect and tolerance. It is indeed small instances like these that remind us that even in times of cynicism, negativity and intolerance, it is possible for us to be sane and sensible, tolerant and human. 

Needless to say, my son was overjoyed on finding his present under the Christmas tree as soon as he woke up that day. It was indeed a merry Christmas!

Notes from a Mother's Diary

Sometimes the biggest luxury I can have is to be able to take a bath at leisure...without worrying about what is happening outside.

Looking after one kid is like riding a roller-coaster....many highs some lows. Looking after two kids is like a NON-STOP roller-coaster.

There are moments when I just need to take a break.. for one moment, at least, please! So, I close my eyes, lean my back on the diwan and relax. At that point, I don't care if my elder son is busy scribbling on the walls or if my younger son is crawling away to some unsavoury place. I will handle it later. But right now give me one moment's peace, please!

My younger son is trying to get up with the help of suppport. And like it often happens, he falls down and gets a bump on his head. But he's at it again, many times! Sometimes, I wonder at his determination. He will continue doing it until he masters it. When exactly do we lose this determination that all of us must have had when we were kids? Probably not very late, judging by my elder's impatience and reluctance to learn anything now. 

 

My elder son who is a toddler is now able to speak everything, albeit in a language only his parents can completely understand. Now, children have the amazing ability to pick up entirely unnecessary and politically incorrect phrases and language from other kids(often elder to them). So when my eldest was in this particular stage, where if he was angry or wanted to be rude, he uttered one word in Telugu which was 'potty-related', unfortunately. But thankfully because he still had the baby language, others couldn't completely understand what he was saying. So, when they would turn their head and ask, "What is he saying?", it was all I could do to control my laughter and say, "Nothing!"  while inwardly, it would be, "Trust me, you don't want to know!"

The one thing that is freely given to mothers and that too unsolicited is ADVICE. Everyone is ready to give advice on what we should feed our kids, how we should dress them, what morals we should teach them, how much TV they should watch...blah  blah blah. I have just one thing to ask them - Haven't you heard - Mother knows best? - No, not Father, Mother-in-law, Cousin and least of all, not Friendly Neighbourhood Aunt Knows Best. It's not that I don't need advice.  Of course I do. But I will ask my mother or my sister or sometimes, peers (mothers who have children of the same age as mine). And, I realize the best source is my mother. So, again Mother knows best!

All mothers are fed up with the constant cartoon watching. But sometimes, watching one can be a stress buster. For me, watching an episode of 'bubbleguppies' or dora or even a new episode of 'bheem' is honestly the best pick-me-up for the day. By the way, how adorable are the bubble guppies?!

My eldest son has just joined kindergarten. He rarely tells me anything about school on his own. So, when I asked him to tell me some rhyme, he looked at me and asked me accusingly, Nuvvu teacher aa? (Are you teacher?) Sorry, I am not and that is his way of saying, "You have no business to ask". Just one month of joining school and my son has already grown up! :(

After all the morning hungama, I have finally 10 minutes of rest before the next round of chores start. My eldest is at school. Hubby's in office. Younger one is asleep. I finish my breakfast and sit next to the sleeping infant, with newspaper in hand. That's when junior opens his eyes lazily and looks at me. Now I know he will wake up if he sees a slight movement from me. so I stay frozen, with my hand holding the paper in air. I don't smile. I don't move an inch. I hope he will close his eyes again and sleep, and give me just 5 minutes extra time to relax. But no he opens his eyes wide, gives me a beatific smile and gets up. If he knew how to talk, he would say, "Mom, do you think I'm so stupid that I don't know that you are very much there and are not my dream?" 

What's with children and sleep? It's like my kids have been born with FOMO ( fear of missing out) syndrome. They will control their sleep with superhuman effort until even they (gasp!) cannot control it anymore. I mean, what's with this sleep control struggle? I'm surely going to have my revenge a few years down the line when they will finally realize what they have actually been missing - hours of blissful sleep!

P.S: The title is completely hypothetical... for 1. I don't have a diary and 2. Even if I had one, would I have the time or patience to write in it??

Teatime and Happiness

Happiness (or contentment or peace or heaven) for me is sitting in the second room at my home in Vizag at fourish in the afternoon, drinking tea, made by Appa, along with my family. It is the best time of the day. We have had our afternoon siesta and now are in that state of limbo before the evening activity begins. Over a hot cup of perfectly made tea, we chat about sundry topics.The usual suspects are Amma, Appa, Mamma, myself, Akka, Anna and Attiga (take or leave one or two). And at that precise moment, it feels like God is in his Heaven and all is right with the world.

The Tea Nazi: Tea made by Appa is simply the best and perfect tea for all of us. There are a lot of in-jokes about it. For example, he will never start the process of starting the tea before four o'clock (unless it is an emergency) whether he is in Vizag, Hyderabad or USA. Secondly, he has to know how many of us are going to have tea.If you happen to be sleeping or out at that time, you may be awake or home just 5 minutes after he started making tea, Appa's response -"sorry, no tea for you!" So, you should consider yourself lucky if you are able to get a cup of tea.The way he makes tea is also like a scientist - measuring the right amount of milk, tea powder and sugar. Everything has to be  precise. But like gourmet chefs or those fancy dining restaurants, where food is served in minuscule portions, Appa's tea comes in limited amounts...the tea is great but it will be over in two gulps.All said and done, Appa makes awesome chai. The only downside as I realized once - when I made tea, my maid told me, "Sorry, amma, you do not make good tea like your father." So, it's always Appa's chai for us...and especially in Vizag when we are all assembled, it is
the most chilled-out and happiest time ever.

P.S: This post has been inspired by two of my friend's posts, "Happiness is" and "How to Make Tea".

Beerakaya Peechu

In today's technology-driven world, ads about mobiles and internet often brag about connectivity - of how it has become a small world where everyone is connected. But what they do not know is that this connectivity has existed for years and years among Indian families...especially families belonging to my sub-sect. For us,
the world of Madhvas is indeed a small one -  go where you may( and I mean family functions), there is no way that you can escape from being connected. In many a gathering, the following instance would occur with alarming regularity-
Woman greets my mother. Mother introduces me to her. And then - 'Do you know who she is? She is related to us like this. She is my grandfather's brother's daughter's *yawn, yawn, yawn*". While I politely used to nod and smile, while thinking in my head, "Whatever!"
And then I got married. Coming from two big families (paternal and maternal) and getting married into another big one, I soon realized how connected we all are. I think for several decades, and even now, families used to arrange marriages within our sub-sect, as a result of which everyone is remotely or closely connected with everyone else.Moreover, majority of us come from a common place. So 'you are from Vizianagaram' is introduction enough to launch into a discussion of common relations.
And this is how I came to realize and master the game my parents and their generation excel in.

The many ways in which my husband's family and mine are related:
(Warning: The following information is completely mind-boggling and absolutely worthless. So, please proceed with caution.)

My father's third sister and my husband's father's first sister are daughters-in-law of the same family. Or my aunt and my h's aunt are co-sisters(which is the term I believe for daughters-in-law of the same family).So, my cousin and my h.'s cousin are cousins!( Btw, this is how our marriage proposal came about in the first
place.)
My father's second sister's husband's sister's husband's sister is my h.'s father's second younger brother's wife. Or my aunt's sister-in-law's sister-in-law is my h's aunt by marriage. So, my cousin's cousin and my h's cousin are cousins!
My father's second sister's husband's brother's daughter-in-law is my h's father's third younger brother's wife's sister's daughter. Or my aunt's brother-in-law's daughter-in-law is my h's aunt's(by marriage) niece. Or, my cousin's cousin's wife is my h's cousin's cousin.
My father's brother's wife and my h's father's third younger brother's daughter's husband are cousins. Or my aunt(by marriage) and my h's cousin's husband are cousins. Which is funny because my cousin is my kids' uncle but to my h's cousin's kids, he is a cousin. While my kids and my h's cousin's kids are second cousins.
Made your head spin, right?
My father's brother's daughter's husband is my h's father's second sister's husband's sister's son. Or my uncles's daughter's husband is my h's uncle's(by marriage) sister's son. So my cousin's husband and my h's cousin are cousins!

These are only a few of the ways we have common connections. Then there are the common neighbour relations, common college relations, and far too complex pathways of relation that will take a few days to explain.
While writing this, I understood how woefully lacking the English language is in assigning terms to relations...all are aunts and uncles. The following is the terminology we have for our varied range of uncles and aunts.

Atta - father's sister or mother's brother's wife
Attagaru - mother-in-law
Mava - mother's brother
Mavagaru - father-in-law or father's sister's husband
Doddappa or Pedda nanna - father's elder brother
Doddappagaru - mother's elder sister's husband
Doddamma or pedda amma - father's elder brother's wife or mother's elder sister
Kakka - father's younger brother
Kakkagaru - mother's younger sister's husband
Abuchi or pinni - mother's younger sister
Kakki - father's younger brother's wife

And that is how I learnt the art of relationship management..if there is such a thing. The only consolation I have of gaining this knowledge is that I can see myself  in the years ahead boring my two sons to death with my mastery of who is related to whom and how, while they roll their eyes in amusement or indifference.

As for the title, whenever there is a discussion on such impossible connections being found between two people, the final word is always, 'Beerakaya peechu' which literally means the peeled skin of a ridge gourd. Anyone who has ever peeled a not-so-fresh ridge gourd will know that none of the strands come out clean without attaching themselves to their next strand....quite like our very own huge family of common heritage.

Trivial Musings

Why do some movies which seem blah in the theatres appear great when watched again on dvd or telly?

Why did God create lizards? Even if He did for some very good reason, why do they have to hang around inside homes?

Why does a vacation last a longer time during the anticipation, planning and excitement stage than it actually is during real time?

Why is the feature that we hate the most about ourselves the one that is most noticed by others?

What is the ultimate test of patience?....going through the IRCTC website, especially when booking a tatkal ticket

Most common reply heard from men (husbands) when asked about anything, right from 'should I go to my mom's house next week?' to 'what to get for your cousin's wedding?' - "Let's see". I am really not sure what they are waiting to see!

Isn't it ironic how we miss the old days but given a chance, really wouldn't like going back to that time and place? Or, maybe it is just my opinion.

Meaning of stupendous relief : When the power goes off in the middle of a summer night and one is in that half-awake,half-asleep state, when the mosquitoes have a field day(or night) singing in our ears and we curse the electricity department, the sound of the fan blades slowly coming to life is simply the moment of 'stupendous relief'.

Alternately, when one is finally inside the loo, when one is urgently in the need to be there...stupendous is the relief!

The most adorable thing is when a toddler's eyes finally droop and he/she falls asleep, especially when it is out of sheer tiredness and requires no other effort from mom or dad. (Mom of a 3-yr-old speaking!)
When you have a baby, the speed at which you can fall asleep is always inversely proportional to the speed at which baby is ready to sleep. Simply put, you want to sleep but can not. Your baby has to sleep but will not!

And, finally the biggest irony in my life presently - how mothers like me who so want a girl are blessed with boys, while scores of girl children are either killed before they are born, abandoned if they are lucky enough to be born or treated to such discrimination that makes the blood boil!! God surely has a strange sense of humour.

Aaj kaun sa function hai?!

The doorbell rang as Reena hurriedly pulled her hair into a bun and rushed to the door. Outside the door stood her husband, Ram a bit jaded but cheerful. Reena looked exasperatedly at him and said, "Why are you so late today? Don't you remember that tonight we have to attend Vineet's reception?".

For a moment, the smile was wiped clean from Ram's face but he mustered a look of surprise before his observant wife and replied, "Sorry, honey, there was an emergency meeting today. Don't worry. I will get ready in a jiffy."

 Ram -"Really these functions! Why the hell should I waste my evening at a boring reception of Reena's uncle's son's brother-in-law, when I could jolly well laze on the couch watching today's match? Anyway, who keeps a reception on the day of an ODI?"

Reena looked suspiciously at her husband. She said, "Look, Ram, I know you are not interested in coming. But we could not attend his wedding. The least we can do is wish him in the reception. Moreover, Vineet helped us a lot during my wedding. For your sake, I have convinced Sarita to bring along Mukesh so that you'll have company. Now, get ready fast!". Mukesh was Reena's brother-in-law and a close friend of Ram. Ram heaved a sigh of relief.

An hour later, Ram sat next to Mukesh in a corner of the grand hall, where the reception was organized. The hall was thankfully air-conditioned. Guests were milling in and out, greeting the newlyweds who stood on a ornate stage, decorated with the choicest of flowers. Ram said, "Thank god, man, you are here. Otherwise, my whole evening here would have been spent smiling at nothingness and waiting for Reena to finish her endless conversations with her countless relatives." Mukesh replied, "Yaar, I don't know about you but Sarita promised me the food here was good. That is the only reason  I am here."

Meanwhile on the stage, the bride and groom stood patiently, greeting the long line of guests. As it was a reception from the groom's side, the groom introduced his relations as the bride smiled and made small talk. The groom said, "This is my grandfather's brother's daughter and her family." The bride acknowledged their wishes with a smile, took their gifts and passed it behind.

The bride - "How many more guests to come? This lehenga is  so heavy. I can barely stand. The photographers also do not give us a moment's respite. How on earth am I going to remember who all these people are? Ok, I have to really be attentive now."

As Ram and Mukesh talked about sundry topics, suddenly, out of the constantly moving crowd, an elderly lady stopped by Ram's side and said, "You are Ram, right? And you must be Mukesh?". The two stood up and said, "Yes." "How are you? I was just talking to Reena and Sarita about you two. It has been sometime since I  last saw you. Maybe it was only at Reena's reception." Mukesh said, "Of course! How are you doing? How is your health?"

Mukesh -"Oh my god, who is she? Think fast, Mukesh! Is she Sarita's mother's cousin sister? No, no! Is she their childhood neighbour? Oh god, I wonder if Ram remembers."

 Ram - "Say something, Ram! She was at your reception. Reena must have told you about her. Does she have a son who is abroad? No harm in trying!"

Ram said, "How is your son? Has he come back?". The lady looked flummoxed. She replied, "Oh no, I have only one daughter. She and Reena studied together. We were neighbours for many years. I have known Reena and Sarita since they were little girls. I guess, you have forgotten me."

Mukesh - "Yes, neighbour! I should have said so."

Both mustered a weak smile and Ram said, "I am sorry, aunty. I got confused." The lady smiled and said, "It's okay, beta. Hope you are doing fine. I will see you later," and walked away.

The two sat down sheepishly. Ram said, "Honestly, man, I didn't have a clue who she was!" Mukesh said, "Forget about it. It happens all the time at these functions. I wonder how much longer it will take for these two ladies to stop their chatter and give us some attention."

Reena and Sarita were having a gala time catching up with their cousins and other relations. Reena said, "Okay, Sarita, I think we better go and greet the newlyweds. The stage is not so crowded now. You go and fetch Ram and Mukesh. I will wait near the stage."

Mukesh saw Sarita gesturing him and told Ram, "Chal yaar! Bulawa aaya hai. If we can quickly finish this process, we are slowly on our way out." Both of them hurried to the stage. The four of them waited patiently as the previous guests posed for pictures with the newlyweds. Then quickly they made their way, introduced themselves, wished the bride and groom, clicked a picture and climbed down the stage.

Mukesh turned to Sarita and said, "Okay, now that is done. Can we have our dinner please?" Sarita looked irritated and said, "Can't you wait until we are a safe distance away from the stage? What will they think if they hear you? As if we have come for the food!"

Mukesh - "But that is why I have come! Ok, shut up, Mukesh. Thodi der ki baat hai."

Reena said, "It's okay, Mukesh. You guys go on and have your dinner. We will join you later."

An hour later, the four were finally on their way home. Reena and Sarita remarked how much fun they had had while the two men exchanged knowing looks and just thanked God it was over.

A few weeks later, the doorbell rang and Reena sauntered to open it. Ram stood outside and on seeing Reena in a plain saree, remarked, "You are not ready yet? I told you to be dressed by the time I come. Don't you remember today is my boss's son's birthday?"

Reena said, "Of course, honey! The maidservant was late today. And I was not expecting you to be so early. Don't worry. I will get ready soon."

Reena - "Really, these office functions are so boring! Why should I miss my daily serial just to dress up and be bored in a strange party with strange people? Uff, this Ram also will never understand!"